Young children are totally egocentric and believe they should always win, always be first and that the world revolves around them.
'It's mine"
Two-year-old James, and Andrew, almost four, fight constantly about who will go first, who will sit next to their parents and who gets most on their plate. As parents, you love your children equally, so it's sometimes hard to understand why they should seem to feel such enmity towards one another.
The answer is quite simple. Young children are totally egocentric and believe they should always win, always be first and that the world revolves around them. As parents we have to teach them how to share, take turns and lose gracefully.
Many children are fiercely competitive with their siblings because they feel insecure and assume they will be treated unfairly. This has to be dealt with separately by spending time with each child on their own so they feel reassured.
Top tips to control sibling tensions
Set rules so that children know exactly what is happening, such as: you will take turns to sit in the blue car seat; we will write on the board whose turn it is each day. Encourage games and activities that foster co-operation, turn taking and sharing each day. Make sure your child is rewarded better for working with her sibling than against her.
Teach your children how to lose. Don't fall into the trap of new parents who always let their children win at games or that is what they will expect when they play with other children. Use role playing to help children see situations from the other sibling's point of view. Children learn more by seeing an adult acting out their own selfish behaviour than they do from hours of explanations.
'No, no, no!'
Jessica is usually good about bedtimes but as Chritmas approaches she refuses to go to bed; to go to sleep or stay in her room. Her brother will not sit at the table for his meals and Christmas dinner looks like being a nightmare. What can be done?
When nursery or school close for the festivities, the structure of our children's lives disappears. They can't work out what day it is, what will happen next or what is expected of then and so they begin to get stubborn about the everday tasks we have to get through at home.
Children need structure to their day, even Christmas Day, or the day will end in tantrums and tears. In most families, holiday times mean a relaxing of rules but children can interpret that as a removal of rules, so you do need to have some systems in place.
Top tips to foster co-operation
Write up the key points in the day using symbols or pictures and explain to your child what they mean. Use a wipe-clean board, strips of card with Blutac or Post-it notes to give you flexibility. Show all mealtimes, bath, bed, key events and so on but don't put times in. As each event finishes, cross it off. If the order of things change because you have visitors, show them this on the list so they know what to expect. Make space for play, free choice and use for time when you don't know what you will do yet. Give warnings before activities, such as bathtime, and use an egg timer to show how much time they have left.
If things get really fraught use STOP! To help you cope:
- Slow down and do not respond until you feel calm
- Think - why is my child refusing to do this?
- Only focus on the positive behaviour you want as positive requests are more likely to succeed. Say 'talk quietly' not 'don't shout', 'time to sleep now' not 'don't play with your toys'
- Plan ahead, working out what you will say or do in situations that typically prompt your child to refuse to do as you ask.
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