Difficult behaviour - is it just a phase? |
Life would be so much easier for parents if we knew that our children's behaviour would go through difficult phases but would soon be fine again. Unfortunately, it is not quite that simple!
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Children learn to behave in the same way that they learn other skills; they watch, they copy and then they try out some new ideas out for themselves. A child・s behaviour often mirrors the behaviour of the adults and children around him. Few adults are always calm and reasonable with their partners or children, so it is not surprising that we experience a degree of unpredictable behaviour from our children. Often this behaviour will be linked to the strains and stresses we are experiencing but this may not be obvious to us at the time. We just experience one more problem in the form of our child・s behaviour and this can come at a time when we feel least able to cope with it. |
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When you are faced with difficult behaviour from your child, think what may have prompted this, whether you may have initiated this behaviour by your own reactions and how to turn the focus onto your child getting things right. |
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As parents we all want our children to treat themselves, other and property with respect. We are horrified if a child challenges the authority of the person in charge, breaks the rules, refuses to share, take turns or play nicely with other children. However, we need to look at the behaviour of the adults and children in regular contact with the child to understand where the child is learning this behaviour from. |
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Most adults get little preparation for the daunting task of becoming a parent so we tend to learn by trial and error. We base our early attempts on our own experiences as children before modifying or changing our approach once we have watched/learnt from other adults, children, books etc. |
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Learning by trial and error means that we will make mistakes just as our children will get things wrong. We need to learn from the experience and help our children to do the same. |
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Are we really setting a good example, do we encourage good behaviour by praising and rewarding it? |
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Are we really setting a good example, do we encourage good behaviour by praising and rewarding it? It takes a lot of effort to give positive attention for good behaviour as that means spending time with children when they are playing well, sharing, taking turns etc. Children thrive on attention from adults, a smile, a cuddle or a few words of praise and encouragement can make the difference between a child repeating the good behaviour or opting for poor behaviour which is certain to grab your attention. However, as busy parents we all tend to fall into the trap of ignoring our children when they are playing nicely. We soon focus our attention back on our children when they are naughty so children quickly learn that being really naughty gets lots of adult attention and they would often rather have this negative attention than no attention at all. |
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No matter how busy we are we need to make time to praise and reward our children when they behave well, when they share, take turns, play nicely, say please and thank you etc. |
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Children are capable of changing their behaviour if they are given the right support and encouragement to do so. Unfortunately, some adults find it hard to change their view of a child and constantly cast him in a bad light with the result that the child often does not do well because no one is expecting him to. It is vital that you always expect the best of your child rather than being prepared to accept poor behaviour, manners etc. |
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We should expect our children to behave well and most of the time they will meet our expectations as long as we give them the right support, encouragement and praise. |
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All children need to test the limits at some time and often attempt to do so at the most inappropriate times which can make it much harder to stick to your plan of action. This need to test their independence is part of the natural pattern of growing up and tends to be little more than a phase if dealt with positively. Most unfairly, children seem to pick the very moment that parents are congratulating themselves for being successful at sorting out their child・s behaviour as the moment to test their independence. Answering back, saying NO, refusing to conform to rules and expectations are typical ways of testing out parents. It is vital that you respond to this bad behaviour without suggesting that the child is bad. |
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Distinguish between naughty behaviour and a naughty child. Always point out how many things the child has got right and how to get them right again. |
When a child is going through a phase of testing boundaries it helps to: |
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Stay in control, speak calmly and avoid shouting. Explain how you want the child to behave in short simple sentences and give him chance to practice. |
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Hide any amusement you might feel at your child・s behaviour, make it clear that you will not accept it and put all your efforts into catching him getting it right. |
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Stand firm against tantrums, whining and any other pressure the child uses to try to get you to change your mind, particularly if your child picks a time when you are ：on show； e.g. in front of friends. |
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Spend extra time with your child but make it plain that this will stop if your child is naughty again. |
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Pick battles you can win when trying to get your child to conform again. |
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Avoid making any threats you cannot keep. |
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Act swiftly and avoid delaying the chance to bring your child back into line etc. |
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If a child continues to behave badly, check to see what might be sustaining this behaviour. Is it attracting a lot of attention? Are you making the effort to catch your child being good. |
A Child・s behaviour often deteriorates when: |
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He joins a pre-school group and has to learn new rules and routines. This is often worse for an only or eldest child, particularly if they have not had the opportunity to learn how to share, take turns, make choices, lose or manage without you being there. |
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He is frustrated because he wants to do something and cannot because of his age, inability or lack of opportunity. |
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The family stability is shaken by parents separating, the death of a loved relative, a move of house etc. |
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They are not treated with respect, kindness or consistency by the responsible adults. |
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He cannot live up to the expectations of parents or parents vary in the tolerance to his behaviour because of ill health etc. |
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All children get it wrong sometimes. It helps if as adults we can recognise and acknowledge this then help our children to get it right rather than focusing on what went wrong. It is always better to prevent unacceptable behaviour by intervening early, changing the circumstances or distracting the child. Many children learn quickly if given the chance to ：role play； what would happen if they reacted differently. Similarly, they learn more easily if encouraged to work out what else they might have done or how differently they could have responded. |
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Hints for Parents: |
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Most children will behave badly but this does not tend to last for long if you are firm and consistent with the rules you want her to obey. |
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Try to ask your child to do things in a way that assumes that she will do as you ask. |
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Give the impression that you are calm and in control, so that defying you does not become a game to ：wind you up；. |
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Ignore bad behaviour whenever it is safe to do so and only ：fight； those battles you really intent to win. Try to reward the child・s good behaviour. |
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Avoid using power tactics, like shouting or smacking as the immediate effect soon wears off and your child may not respond next time. |
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Children's personalities differ, so some will persist with poor behaviour for longer if: |
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You say ：no； then give in. Your child will learn that you might change your mind and so will keep going longer. He never knows when you will give in so it is always worth waiting. |
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Your child get lots of attention for their poor behaviour, even if they don't get what they want. If you praise them when they don't pester and give them attention for being good they will son learn how to wait and be less persistent. |
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Younger children copy older siblings who may have poor behaviour which is tolerated rather than acted on. |
